I do prefer you alive to dead. Who else am I going to get Krakenverse out of? :-)
He does talk about his feelings a bit in canon, but it's very rare. There are little snippets throughout Lieutenant where he's just on the verge of sharing his feelings around Bush - he gets very emotional over his mistake with the heated shot, then again towards the end when they're in Portsmouth together when he's all-atwitter over Maria, as well as a few other places. In this case, he's been bottling up how he feels for years, and he just can't take it anymore. It was bad enough when he was simply serving alongside Bush, but he survived because he lied to himself and threw himself into his work and denied himself the friendship he wanted so badly. But when they fuck on the second night it reopens the wound and then it's pure agony because he wants this so badly but he cannot ask for it, and it's this awful mess of fear and yearning and pain and it comes out as anger because he doesn't know how else to express it, but he has to express it, or he will go mad. And once he starts, he can't stop, and he's embarrassed and humiliated by it but he has to say it.
I'm so very glad it works though. There are a few lines in there I found actually painful when writing because of the emotion hiding behind them was too great. I think that came across, so I'm happy.
Bush loves him. He's not really familiar with the concept of love, and probably wouldn't frame it as such just yet, but he loves Hornblower. It's unbearable for him to see Hornblower in pain, and he knows that if he doesn't act this suffering will only get worse, so he does the selfless thing and makes a very big gamble. (And I love him too, and I'm glad you think I did him justice.)
K I S S I N G. SO MUCH KISSING. I'm glad you thought I wrote it well! They've been holding back from each other for so long, and when they finally get a chance they let go of their self-control and allow themselves to be swept away by it. It isn't entirely carnal either, it's far more about being as physically close as they can be and just feeling that closeness.
Haha, but remember, it's a very small, stinky sloop right now and she's still damaged from her fight with the French ship. (But it will probably take them a little longer to get home, it's true, especially in the Biscay which is notorious for bad weather.)
Oof, that last night is going to be very bittersweet. As is the night before they go their separate ways.
(I'm still trying to work out if they get back together on the Lydia, but that's another story for another time.)
Maria! As I said, in this verse she finds out pretty early on about where she stands with her husband, and it makes things better for them because Hornblower no longer has to feel like he's faking around her - she knows, and it's okay for him to be who he needs to be. I think she will make a good Lady -- she might not have the airs and graces of someone born into aristocracy but she is very capable at running an estate and I like to think she grows in confidence when she learns she has something to offer Hornblower beyond homemaking and children. (And she gets on with her husband-in-duty when she realises he wants the same things she wants for Hornblower, which means they can gang up on him.)
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2019-09-13 09:36 pm (UTC)He does talk about his feelings a bit in canon, but it's very rare. There are little snippets throughout Lieutenant where he's just on the verge of sharing his feelings around Bush - he gets very emotional over his mistake with the heated shot, then again towards the end when they're in Portsmouth together when he's all-atwitter over Maria, as well as a few other places. In this case, he's been bottling up how he feels for years, and he just can't take it anymore. It was bad enough when he was simply serving alongside Bush, but he survived because he lied to himself and threw himself into his work and denied himself the friendship he wanted so badly. But when they fuck on the second night it reopens the wound and then it's pure agony because he wants this so badly but he cannot ask for it, and it's this awful mess of fear and yearning and pain and it comes out as anger because he doesn't know how else to express it, but he has to express it, or he will go mad. And once he starts, he can't stop, and he's embarrassed and humiliated by it but he has to say it.
I'm so very glad it works though. There are a few lines in there I found actually painful when writing because of the emotion hiding behind them was too great. I think that came across, so I'm happy.
Bush loves him. He's not really familiar with the concept of love, and probably wouldn't frame it as such just yet, but he loves Hornblower. It's unbearable for him to see Hornblower in pain, and he knows that if he doesn't act this suffering will only get worse, so he does the selfless thing and makes a very big gamble. (And I love him too, and I'm glad you think I did him justice.)
K I S S I N G. SO MUCH KISSING. I'm glad you thought I wrote it well! They've been holding back from each other for so long, and when they finally get a chance they let go of their self-control and allow themselves to be swept away by it. It isn't entirely carnal either, it's far more about being as physically close as they can be and just feeling that closeness.
Haha, but remember, it's a very small, stinky sloop right now and she's still damaged from her fight with the French ship. (But it will probably take them a little longer to get home, it's true, especially in the Biscay which is notorious for bad weather.)
Oof, that last night is going to be very bittersweet. As is the night before they go their separate ways.
(I'm still trying to work out if they get back together on the Lydia, but that's another story for another time.)
Maria! As I said, in this verse she finds out pretty early on about where she stands with her husband, and it makes things better for them because Hornblower no longer has to feel like he's faking around her - she knows, and it's okay for him to be who he needs to be. I think she will make a good Lady -- she might not have the airs and graces of someone born into aristocracy but she is very capable at running an estate and I like to think she grows in confidence when she learns she has something to offer Hornblower beyond homemaking and children. (And she gets on with her husband-in-duty when she realises he wants the same things she wants for Hornblower, which means they can gang up on him.)
Yay!